Barney's Big Surprise
(We immediately cut to where the previous episode left off; the G-man and the Cinema Snob looking at each other) G-man: Aren’t you the Cinema Snob?! CS: Yeah, and you’re “The G-man”. You gave a shout out to me in one of your first episodes. G-man: Wait, you know my show? CS: Well, yeah. But still, I know the FanFic Critic, and she sent me here to review a movie with you, so here I am! (He shrugs and smiles) Tah dah! G-man: Riiight… Whatever, let’s just go. (Cut to the G-man and the CS on a couch in the G-man’s living room) CS: Why are we here? Why aren’t we in you room? G-man: Well, this is where I usually do crossover reviews. CS: And you couldn’t have gotten extra chair? G-man: Hey, I don’t want to break the tradition! CS (Sighing): Well, let’s get this over with. What’s the movie? (Cut to the title card for Barney’s Big Surprise, and then back to the duo) CS: Oh, god damnit! (Cut to the kite scene from the play as the chorus for Joe Scarbury’s Believe it or Not begins) Joe Scarbury (V.O singing): Believe it or not, I'm walking on air. I never thought I could feel so free! Flying away on a wing and a prayer. Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's just me! (Cut to the opening scene) G-man (V.O): So, it opens with a female announcer introducing the show, and it also shows (Cut to the Barney doll) this horrific thing! (Cut back to the duo cringing) CS: That makes the (Cut to the poster for…) Leprechaun look a fucking Care Bear! (Cut back to the play. Barney appears) Barney: Hi, everybody! (Cut to a clip from the Simpsons) Crowd: Hi, Doctor Nick! (Cut back to the play) CS (V.O): Come on, we had to. Anyway, Barney thanks everyone who came. (Cut back to the duo briefly) Thankfully not individually! (Cut back to the play) And… What, we get a song?! Barney (Singing): If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! Duo (V.O): Boo! Barney (Singing): If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! Duo (V.O): Boo! Barney (Singing): If you’re happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it! If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! (Cut back to the duo) Duo: Boo! CS: That’s a whole lot of boos! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): After that PAINFUL experience, we go to the treehouse. (Cut to said treehouse. It’s decked out to the point where it amazes the two reviewers) Whoa… (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Okay, that and the heart from Barney Live in New York City are the only two things I like about these Barney plays! (The CS nods his head in agreement before we cut back to the play) CS (V.O): So, Barney introduces us to some kids, and we get another fucking song! Barney and kids (Singing): Welcome to our treehouse! A pretend-and-you-can-be-house! CS (V.O): Got anything better than this? G-man (V.O): Yeah, I think I have something… (Cut to a clip from Nudist Colony of the Dead) Man (Singing): Look at this sky! Look at this world! Look at the boys! Look at the girls! Woman (Singing): It’s an Inky Dinky Doodah Morning! (Cut back to the duo) CS: Alright, alright! Put Barney back on! G-man: Heh! Never thought you’d say that! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): Anyway, after we get through the song, a challenger approaches! (Baby Bop appears as the song “Cruising Down the Street” plays in the background) Barney: Look! It’s Baby Bop! (The text “Gee, you think?” pops up for a brief moment) G-man (V.O): And it looks like Barney’s dumber than a bag of hammers because he doesn’t know that Baby Bop’s behind him! Seriously? CS (V.O): Well, at least he’s not as dumb as (Cut to a picture of…) Peter Griffin. (Cut back to the play) Barney: Oh, but Baby Bop, these are your friends! BB: They are my friends? Barney: Uh-huh! BB: All of them? (Cut back to the duo) CS: I concur. I have many quote end-quote "Friends", it’s just that some of them are… (Cut to a picture of Phelous briefly before we cut back to the duo) …Yeah. (Cut back to the play) CS (V.O): It turns out that it’s BJ’s birthday today, so we have to get the treehouse ready to celebrate! (There’s a moment of silence before the CS speaks again) You know, there some things I regret saying on the Internet… G-man (V.O): And, of course, there’s another song explaining everything we just told you! (Birthday presents with human legs appear onstage dancing to the song. Cut back to the duo) G-man: How do they eat? How do they breathe? CS: WHAT ARE WE LOOKING AT?! (Cut back to the play) BJ: Hey, as long as their talking about secrets, can I tell you a secret? CS (V.O): Oh, trust me, all of your secrets will be revealed on the next episode of X-files! BJ: Now, I know that presents aren’t supposed to be the most important part of a birthday, but there is one present I would really, really like to get! G-man (V.O): LSD! BJ: I’d like a brand-new scooter to ride! G-man (V.O): Or that. Anyway, after another song with BJ in an airplane, (He chuckles a bit) the wind starts to blow. Boy: Well, what can we do until the wind goes away? (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Here’s a suggestion: Stop making this poor excuse of a play! CS: Come on, that’s nearly impossible! (Cut back to the play) CS (V.O): After a song about flying kites, Barney gets a phone call from… Barney: Oh, it’s very good friend, Professor Tinkerput! (Cut back to the duo. The G-man looks scared while the CS looks confusedly at him) CS: G-man? Are you okay? (Cut to a picture of the Earth. The sound of the G-man screaming is dubbed over it for 3 seconds. When it’s over, we cut back to the duo with the CS looking shocked at the G-man) CS: …What? G-man: He’s back?! I thought-! Wasn’t he-? Maybe-? (He sighs in frustration) I’ve had enough of him from my review of Barney’s Imagination Island! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): Anyway, Professor Tinkerput, still can’t believe he’s back, has a birthday present for BJ at his new toy factory. And guess how we’re going to get there? CS (V.O): The power of Santa Christ? G-man (V.O): Nope! The Barneymobile! (The Barneymobile appears onstage. Cut back to the duo laughing) G-man: Is that seriously what his car looks like? CS: Seriously, I think the Wiggles might want it back from him! (Cut back to the play) Barney: Now, before we get going, what is the very first thing that boys and girls do when they get into a car? BB: Ooh! I know! I know! They say: “Are we there yet?” (Cut back to the duo. The G-man lifts his finger and opens his mouth to speak, but the CS stops him by lowering his hand) CS: Actually, I think she’s telling the truth. G-man: …Huh. (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): After another annoying song, we meet up with… (Tinkerput appears with a strange looking gadget up to his eyes attached to his head) …Someone who escaped prison? PT: Absolutely astounding! With my incredible video-view binoculars- CS (V.O): I’m able to see the nightmares of parents across the world! G-man (V.O): After and during a song, we go into the Professor’s toy factory… (Cut to the inside of the toy factory. It’s littered with gears, wires, and machinery. Cut back to the duo with their mouths agape) G-man: What the hell…? I was expecting a normal toy factory, not something out a fucking Dr. Suess book! CS: Come on, the word "Normal" doesn’t apply in a Barney film. (Cut back to the film after the song) Barney: Your toy factory is really amazing, Professor! PT: Well, thank you, Barney! Listen, I hope you have some time for me to, uh, show you around a little. (Cut back to the duo with the G-man holding up a blank piece of paper) CS: Trust me, we have all the time in the world! (The G-man flips the paper around to reveal the word "SARCASM" in all capital letters before we cut back to the play) CS (V.O): Anyway, we get to see some dancing robots with somewhat creepy voices… Robots (Singing): We are little robots. We are little robots. (Cut back to the duo) G-man: You know, the robot from the Mushroom Age never did that kind of shit. CS: That’s because he was designed by actual smart people. (Cut back to the play after the song) G-man (V.O): Anyway, Tinkerput’s surprise for BJ is large, so he has to borrow the Barneymobile to drive it back to the treehouse. BB: Then, how will we get back? PT: Well, you will fly back- (Cut back to the duo) CS: By the power of Cthulhu! (Cut back to the play) PT: -in a beautiful balloon. Doesn’t that sound like a lot of fun? CS (V.O): That works, too. After a song about colors, we fly to the treehouse in a hot air balloon. (Ducks appear) G-man (V.O): And if you start seeing yellow ducks walking onstage pretending to be flying, you know you’re watching a bad play! (Cut to the newly-decorated treehouse) Boy 1: Okay. We’ve got the treehouse all decorated for BJ’s birthday party. Girl 1: Um, is anything missing? Girl 2: Well, I think we would still use some more balloons right about here. (Barney and the others appear with more balloons) Barney: Will this be enough balloons? (Cut back to the duo) G-man (Singing): We’re having fun is Balloon Land, down in Cow-Jumping-Over-the-Moon Land! (The CS looks at the G-man unamused) CS: Sing that one more time or else! (The G-man stops singing. Cut back to the play) Barney: Oh, come on, are you ready for a party? CS (V.O): The only party I’m excited about is the one where we celebrate the play ending! Anyway, after a repeat of some songs we already heard before, we get a visit from… (A goose appears) …A goose? Cut back to the duo briefly) Remember, kids; if ducks and a goose appear in a play you’re watching, chances are you might be high! (Cut back to the play) Barney: That’s funny! I didn’t know a giant goose could use a doorbell. (The door to the treehouse opens to reveal an old woman) ???: He can’t, but Mother Goose can! G-man (V.O): Wait, THAT’S Mother Goose? An old woman? Why couldn’t the goose be Mother Goose? That would have been WAY more hilarious! (Cut back to the duo briefly) Damnit, Barney! You can’t even get your actors right! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): So, Mother Goose, who IS NOT a goose, comes out and sings a song about rhyming. And as you can imagine, it’s creepy as all hell! MG (Singing): “Now, what is a rhyme?” you ask? “What is a rhyme?” you say? Rhyming words will sound the same! Barney (Singing): Like "Fiddle" and "Diddle"! Girl (Singing): "Name" and "Game"! MG (Singing): Like "Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub"! Oh, I like to speak in rhyme! (Cut back to the duo) CS: We get it! You’re rhyming! (Cut back to the play) CS (V.O): After a song about Nursery Rhymes, we get a visit from the King. (Cut to a clip from the opening cutscene from Link and the Faces of Evil) King: My boy, this piece is what all true worriers strive for! (Cut back to the duo) Duo: No! Not that king! (Cut back to the play) Barney (Singing): Old King Cole was a merry old sole, and merry old sole was he! MG (Singing): He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl, and he called for hos fiddlers three! G-man (V.O): Well, now I’ve realized that this was Nursery Rhyme about a high king demanding for his drugs! Oh, what a day it has been! CS (V.O): Now that the song is over, we can move on. (Tinkerput appears) PT: Phew! I’m not late, am I? Barney: Oh, you’re right on time! PT: Oh, good! BJ, for your 7th birthday, I’ve brought my highly unusual, Extra-spectacular, completely amazing surprise! And it’s-! BJ: A totally-great red scooter! CS (V.O imitating PT): Crap, I got him an AC/DC album… (In normal voice) Actually, it turns out that it’s not a scooter, but hey! He seems to take it pretty well! BJ: Well, that’s okay! PT: Yes? BJ: Sure! I mean, gosh! Look at all the other presents I got! And this great party! And all of my best friends! Well, this is still my happiest birthday ever! (Cut back to the duo) CS: Huh! That went better than expected! G-man: I know, right? I thought he was going to go into an all-caps-rage like: (Cut back to the play. The audio is replaced with a bunch of censor beeps for the entirety of BJ’s speech. After it ends, we cut back to the duo with the CS looking shocked) CS: What the hell just happened?! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): But don’t get sad! He ends up getting it anyway! And now it’s time for his big surprise! After all, that IS the title of the damn play! (BJ presses a red button on Tinkerput’s machine and a giant, inflatable cake starts blowing up. When it’s done, we cut back to the duo looking amazed) CS: Holy shit! Look at that cake! G-man: But does it pass the real test? (He looks to his right offscreen) Pinkie! (Pinkie Pie pops her head in from the other side of the screen. Startling the CS) Pinkie: What’s up? G-man: How would you rate that cake? (Cut to a still-frame of the cake from the play) Pinkie (V.O): Hmm… The texture is pretty good, the icing looks nice, the candles are top notch, but it’s in a bad film, so I’ll give it an 8. (The number eight appears with a ding sound effect. Cut back to the trio) G-man: Alright, thanks. Pinkie: No problem! (She disappears. Leaving the CS flabbergasted) CS: WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?! (Cut back to the play) Barney: So everybody join in as we sing “Happy Birthday” to BJ! (Cut to a clip from Austin Powers) Dr. Evil: How ‘bout no? (Cut back to the play) CS (V.O): Anyway, after some more stupid songs, the play ends. (Cut back to the duo) CS: So, that was Barney’s Big Surprise! G-man: Excuse me for one second… (He walks offscreen) CS: Where are you going? G-man (From offscreen): To call a certain someone, if you know what I mean. (Cut to the FanFic Critic to her computer writing something. Suddenly, her phone starts ringing) FFC: Oh, for the love of… (She answers it) What? (It turns out to be the G-man. During the call, it cuts between them) G-man: It’s the G-man. FFC: Oh, it’s you. What do you want? G-man: The Snob and I finished the movie. FFC: Really? G-man: Uh-huh. So, you got your revenge. Bye! FFC: Just a minute! I’m not done with you yet! G-man: Wha-? I already reviewed the movie, what more do you want?! FFC: Oh, I have something else in mind. You just have to review one more thing. G-man: No. FFC: What? But I didn’t even say what it is yet! G-man: I’m not reviewing fanfiction. Forget it. FFC: I’m not asking you to review a fanfic, I want you to review a video game! G-man: Well what game am I reviewing? I’ve done Epic Mickey, I’ve done the Last Generation, and I’ve done Cartoon Network Punch Time Explosion! What’s left? (The FFC smirks evilly) FFC: Oh, I’ve got something in mind… (The FFC whispers something into the phone. Cut back to the G-man looks scared before we cut to black where the G-man’s voice is heard) G-man (V.O): W-What’s “The Kaleidoscope”? Category:Episode